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How Long Should It Take You to Have Sex Once You Get To College?
Posted on May 21, 2014 by J Camm

Here we are, the final week of our Ask a Bro column honoring the fact that 22 Jump Street is hitting the silver screens on June 13th. After this, we are back to business as usual, so remember to submit your Ask a Bro questions below…

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Q: Hypothetically speaking, how long should it take you to have sex once you get to college? 

A. Haven’t had sex since you been at college yet, huh, fella?

In this “hypothetical” scenario it sounds like you’re finishing up your freshman year. A full year is a long stint without getting in the hole, but despite what people might say or think, it still takes some effort to get laid in college. For girls it’ll take as long as they want it to, but for guys it varies. Could take one day or one year for it to happen. Hell, it could never happen. I had a friend, decent looking guy, who was in my fraternity who had sex with one girl in college. ONE GIRL. And this was during a time before the free Internet porn craze really hit its stride. So imagine that nightmare.

I pooled the dudes in our office, a total of 15 people, and after throwing out the extreme numbers in both directions, the average time people waited was three weeks. Some people jumped into the grind within days while others waited weeks , months and as much as a year.

Personally, it took me a few days after moving into the dorms my freshman year and it was the weirdest sexual experience of my life. I met the girl, while I was dead sober, in a dorm bathroom after we both just did vile things to the toilet. It took NOTHING to get her to sleep with me. I think I was actually the one who needed to be convinced, because my idea of foreplay is not taking a dump together.  Anyway,  I’ve told that story at length before, but yeah, she was a classy bird who’s name I didn’t find out until the moment she exited my room to crawl back into whatever hole she came out of.

So HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING,  I guess three weeks is the average time it takes for guys to get laid in college.

Q. I was going to start talking to a chick who works at a Walmart close to my home. But one night I saw her working at the strip club too. How can I approach her without her thinking I’m talking to her just because I know she’s a stripper?

A. Found yourself a career woman, huh? Despite your uncertainty, I’m willing to be that whatever you say — can be ANYTHING — when you approach a girl who works at Walmart and also strips will yield results. Next time you pop into Walmart to take advantage of their rolled-back prices, stop by her cash register and say, “Hi. My name’s Dave and I’d like to buy you a McRib.” Boom. Guaranteed 100% success rate.

Q. What is a Bro called who takes one for the team?

A. One hell of a friend? A “numbers” kind of guy? A closeted BBW enthusiast? A man of poor taste? A purple heart recipient?  Depending on the champion who did it, one of those is probably applicable. If he did it for you, thank him because a man of immense intelligence once said, “No shit, No roses.” And although that is supposed to be interpreted in a different way, your Bro ate the shit so you could sniff the roses.

Q. Have you ever seen a girl who draws her entire eyebrows in with a pencil? A girl in one of my classes has them and they’re terrifying.

A. I have and I have so many questions. The first one being: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT? Do they think they’re think they fooling the rest of us, that we’re all incapable of noticing their forehead is covered in crayon? Has someone ever walked up to them and floored them with a compliment? If so, who is dishing out these kind words? Their  boyfriends? The makers of Crayola?

I understand the necessity to feel your absolute best, ladies, but stop the fucking madness. If you haven’t been given the gift of brow – and what a lavish gift it is — get implants or just let it go. No one wants you to draw on your eyebrows, especially everyone.

Submit your Ask a Bro questions below.

 

 

 

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