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How to Keep the Party Going After You Graduate
Posted on May 16, 2014 by J Camm


If “The Man” is to be believed, entering the real world marks a transition from one’s peak partying years to a more sensible lifestyle of downloading Josh Groban albums and having more than one kind of mustard in the fridge. Fortunately, “The Man” has been wrong about a lot of things, including interracial marriage and the use of quotation marks to denote authority. The truth is: if you play your kegs right, you can keep partying long after the mortarboard hits the lawn.

Maintain your party bod 

Partying, when done correctly, is a physically taxing enterprise that leaves your body battered, exhausted, and reeking of beer-soaked Funyuns. As a young person, recovering was just a matter of firing up a garden hose and eating a hearty post-noon breakfast. But now that you’ve graduated, you’ll soon discover your body turning against you one aching piece at a time, until it no longer accepts your brain’s party commands. This is called getting older.

The good news: you can delay your body’s inevitable slide into non-partytude by exercising. For every reckless night of drinking sizzurp from Top Ramen bowls and snorting Ritalin off of your student loan bill, balance it out with one hour of physical activity. Or better yet, combine the two. Don’t drive to your friend’s backyard BBQ, run there with a backpack full of beer and some rusty lawn darts. You’ll show up to the party sweaty and gross, but that’s what garden hoses are for. 

Buy a flask

Movies, TV shows, and shady OTBs have given flasks a bad name, painting it as the shameful crutch of broken old men, stealing furtive sips between hopping boxcars and missing alimony payments.

In reality, flasks are the iPod nano of daydrinking: portable, user-friendly, and able to hold countless hours of sweet liver music. With the right flask you can drink virtually anywhere, be it sipping from a hollowed-out bone at a crime scene, or swigging from a discreet Bible canteen at your nephew’s christening.


Ring ring! Great idea calling.

Drink at home

Which brings us to our next tip: drink your own booze. Unless Apple bought your patented headphone-flask, chances are you don’t have a lot of money. That means if you want to keep the party going, you can’t afford to be drinking bars’ marked-up, watered-down happy juice.

The upside is that you’ll get to stock your home with your favorite liquors, wines, or beer. (All three if you’re doing it right.) Buy some weird flavors of bitters and learn how to make cocktails, just like Tom Cruise in that movie about cocktails. Playing bartender is like the alcoholic version of home cooking, and it will give you a valuable skill set for when you realize no one’s hiring philosophy majors.

If you really must drink at a bar, bring your flask. Just don’t let the bartender see you, or you may end up drinking alone at home, enjoying cheaper, better alcohol and listening to whatever music you want. Sounds unbearable.

Ditch the office every once in a while

Is it the first amazing day of the spring? Is it Friday? Are you in the office at 4 p.m. and your boss is out of town? You can leave. Go. Go outside now. Hell, if you want to be really college you can start an ultimate frisbee tournament in the parking lot with the secretary and the guys from IT. That’s a power move.

Get into the party business 

If you love partying that much, why not make a career of it? Go into business as a party planner and live the dream. Or more accurately, live the dream of what other people think is a good idea for a party. That means chocolate fountains, ice swans, and piñatas shaped like Bob from accounting. Hope you know a good piñata cobbler.

Will you spend the better part of these functions on the dance floor with a broom and dustpan because great aunt Dorothy dropped her champagne flute doing the Chicken Dance? Most likely. But you are being paid to party, not wasting away in some cubicle or submarine engine room. Plus, at the end of the night when no one’s looking, you get to lick the chocolate fountain.

Be cool to your bartenders

If you truly want to keep the party going post-graduation, you need to find a bar that’s YOUR bar. And that requires a good rapport with a bartender. Find a spot near your home or office, hit it up at a not-so-busy time, and tip well. Become a regular and a regular conversationalist, and boom, you’re basically Norm from Cheers. Without the alcoholism. 

Don’t have kids

If you really want to keep the party going, one piece of advice can’t be stressed enough: DO NOT USE YOUR GENITALS TO CREATE TINY HUMANS YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF. It sounds like common sense, but you’d be surprised how often this basic party tip goes unheeded. Just think of babies as sexually transmitted tummy parasites that emerge with an insatiable appetite for your free time and money.

It’s not that babies don’t like to party. In fact, they are quite good at it, fond of screaming Yoko Ono lyrics at the top of their tiny lungs late into the night. The sleep you lose at the expense of their mini-ragers will ensure you never party again. Your only hope is to download a Josh Groban album and hope it lulls them to sleep.

Stay fun.

So you’ve got a job and maybe a girlfriend and you think it’s time to be responsible. You’re right. But don’t forget about your bros and the importance of not taking life too seriously. You can still live it up after college—in fact, you should.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW. · Entry Period: April 11, 2014 - April 29, 2014 · Eligibility: The Sweepstakes is open only to natural persons who are (i) at least twenty-one (21) years of age as of April 11, 2014, and (ii) legal residents of the United States and the District of Columbia.
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