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The Ten Commandments of Bromance
Posted on June 11, 2014 by J Camm

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You have a friend you love. You two get wings every Tuesday and get drunk every Friday and Saturday and Sunday and when one of you suggests an absurd idea like attempting to drink an entire keg while watching action movies, the other is already driving to the beer and DVD store while texting “Fuck yea.”

 

Basically, it’s a Bromance. He loves you, you love him and you both love whiskey. And beer. And girls. Action movies. And whiskey. If you weren’t afraid people would laugh at you, you’d call him your bestie.

 

But are there some rules to Bromancing? Of course there are, and we are here to present them to you, olde English/Moses Old Testament-style like they are the word of God, because they are.

 

Thou Shall Not Forsake Thy Bro When He Chooses Hoes Before Bros

You are both men and you both like women. It’s inevitable a girl will come up in one of your lives. And when he selects her (for a weekend or even a year) you mustn’t fume or fret. For thy Bro is thine Bro regardless of how he interacts with Hoes.

 

Thou Shalt Not Get Upset With Thy Bro’s Actions When Under the Influence

Bros sip thine wine all thy time. Sometimes they get a little drunk. The important thing is: even when he’s dragging you into a street brawl at three a.m., you do not chastise him the next morning. Thine Bro feels enough shame.

 

Thou Shalt Lie For Thy Bro When Thine Bro Needs So          

There is a moral obligation to help out thy Bro. Even if thy Bro’s actions upset you, you mustn’t forsake thy Bro. Be it entanglements with drug dealers or his philandering. Lie. Lie. Lie (yes, this breaks one of those Jesus commandments but whatever).

 

However, Thou Shalt Always Be Honest With Thine Bro

Brutally honest if necessary. If thine Bro is drinking too much, or partying to hard, or disrespecting thine ho, a Bro must speak up.

 

Thou Shalt Always Get Wings With Thine Bro

If thine Bro feels the need to pig out on wings and light beer, you mustn’t turn him down. Well, if you are out of town, that’s cool, but your need to have a kale salad to not feel fat is not an excuse to not meet up with your buddy at the local wing joint.

 

Thou Shalt Alternate Payments

Beers, bottles of booze, drugs. Never let thine Bro get too far ahead on money.

 

Thou Shalt Never Suggest Hiking.

No one wants to hike. Even if you are into it. Don’t suggest it to thy Bro. It will piss him off.

 

Thou Shalt Never Covet Thy Bro’s Lady Friend

One would think this commandment would go without saying, but murder made it on to the Ten Commandments and that one’s pretty obvious, too.

 

Thou Shalt Always Help Out His Bro

It doesn’t matter if it’s a Wednesday night. If thy Bro wants to get out and get laid, thy must help him. Or if it’s Sunday morning and you are hungover and he needs to be bailed out of jail, thy must help him as well. A request from thy Bro is sacred

 

Thou Shalt Always Have Fun With Thy Bro

Because otherwise what’s the point? Go to the feminist avant-garde play on your own time. Unless you too want to get drunk first.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW. · Entry Period: April 11, 2014 - April 29, 2014 · Eligibility: The Sweepstakes is open only to natural persons who are (i) at least twenty-one (21) years of age as of April 11, 2014, and (ii) legal residents of the United States and the District of Columbia.
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